I turn thirty-four years old this month… yes, 34 – three decades and four years. I know of some people who would stop counting their age when they reach the big 3. Others won’t reveal their age and it’s a big No to ask a woman how old is she. I am not one of those… I am not making any judgment, that’s their choice – let them be. The same way that I want people to allow me to take pleasure in my own idiosyncrasies every once in awhile no matter how crazy they might be.
*****
Last year my heart was overflowing with love and gladness… I am not saying that I don’t have it at this point in time; it’s just that I had to let go of bullet number 10. Not because I want to, but because I have to. I know you’ll come across this page… I am hoping that when you do, you’ll know that I thought of you in the nicest and most loving way. You were the first person who really made me feel that I am the most wonderful woman there is. You accepted me for who I am… just the way I am. I hope you understand why it has to be this way, although I know that at this point in time you don’t. I want to tell you why, but I have always believed that there are things better left unsaid. Thank you for letting me go; it’s hard for both of us… but then and again it was the right thing to do given the circumstances we are in. How I wish we met at a different time.
*****
It was also in 2010 when I finally made peace with the father of my children. It’s not that we’re not on speaking terms – we actually do; civil, pero “pilit”. I made the move to befriend him not for the sake of my kids but for my own sake. I don’t want to live my life bearing grudges. It was a terrible phase; one that almost took my will to survive, but I learned from it. I can honestly say that I am over that chapter. I just have to give it to Jonathan; besides that union produced my two adorable rascals. Hindi naman ata ako pwedeng bumuo ng bata mag isa 🙂 and I also have to thank him for leaving me. Because when he did, I found myself.
*****
Life took another turn when in April I finally decided that I can no longer endure the thought of being away from my boys. I know it was hard for my parents, but I guess I need them more beside me. It was a very trying time for the three of us and I know that I can never take back those two years. It wasn’t what I wanted way back in 2007, but it was what I can afford. I am happy to say that my boys and I are doing well. I am making up for all the lost times and sinasamantala naman nilang dalawa 🙂 I’m not complaining; I actually love it. Motherhood defined me and its one thing that I can truly be proud of.
*****
My sister and I also had a falling-out. We’ve always been close because it’s just the two of us. I’d rather not discuss the reason behind it, but suffice to say that I was hurt and I felt betrayed. I so wanted to stand for her but I had to let her go so that she’ll realize her shortcomings and she will learn to be responsible and accountable for her actions. I guess I also have myself to blame why she turned out that way… I was such a spoiler and I always sided with her even when she was wrong. You could just imagine my frustration when despite everything… she chose the other way. Everything is ok now between the two of us. I am still glad that we had that falling-out. I can still feel a tinge of sadness when I look at her now but I know that her experience thought her the hardest lesson; she’ll still need more guidance in the face of what she has right now, but I am sure she learned her lessons well… besides, ate will always be there for her no matter what.
*****
Mother’s day saw me finishing my ultra-dramatic first ultra marathon. I did the 50Km race of Sir BR right at the backyard of the former address of the Officer Candidate School. That route was a silent witness to all that I went through from 06 April 1999 to 08 April 2000. Who would have thought that ten years after I was commissioned as a 2LT I will go back to that place just to run 50K? I loved it! I’m sticking out my tongue right now to those who use to tease me because I always collapse during our road runs hehehe
*****
I went back to school in June for my second year of MC D at the UP-D. How I love school… it gave me another perspective in life and I just love my classmates and my Professors. They are the best! I miss them now since I wasn’t able to enroll for the second semester due to that deployment (more on that later). I wish to go back very soon!
*****
When I started running, my only wish was to finish a marathon before I turn 35. I finished the Milo marathon in July in 4:38. Not bad for a first timer, but as they always say the first time hurts like hell… it was. More so because I didn’t qualify for the finals; it broke my heart, but that’s the way it is. Despite the horror of Milo, I still want to run that one and settle the score 🙂 I will come get you this year, I promise you that.
*****
I closed August with the sensational P2P finish. Thanks you so much Team BR-P! You are simply the best… TFC, till next time…
*****
September was Viva La Virgen… I signed up for the Camsur Marathon despite the injury that I sustained during the P2P. I finished that one in 5:03. I actually planned to run all the marathons in 2010 as my preparation for BDM. I also planned to do all the Ultramarathons that Sir BR will stage prior to BDM. Oh well…
*****
I was so stressed in October due to several school turn-ins and other matters. It was also about this time when I received a message from the Personnel Office of the Army that I was considered for a UN posting in New York in January 2011. That one was a dud though since I was informed way after the deadline of submission of requirements to the UN Headquarters in New York. I wasn’t that affected with it since I wasn’t really prepared for it anyway, and besides that will still be deliberated by the UN along with the recommendations from the other member nations so it will be “suntok sa buwan”. I was at the right place at the right time when the candidate for the PKF-Staff in Golan Heights wasn’t able to meet the requirements of the United Nations. I was asked to submit my application since I am somehow qualified for it.
*****
I was so ecstatic when I learned in November 4 that I will be the primary candidate for the PKF-Staff. This is so unexpected; but it was a welcome development to my career and to my financial status. It will be a great help to me and the kids and it will surely go a looooooooong way. I then applied for a leave of absence in my Masteral Class since I was supposed to leave in November 25. I went through the mandatory Physical and Medical Examination. I was all set to go. Only to be told that I am not fit to be deployed… what happened after that was torture – physical and emotional torture at its best. I even had to forego running the Tagaytay-Nasugbu 50Km run. I retreated to my cave and dealt with the pain away from the prying eyes of some people. I also hid it from my friends until I realized that I had to let it out. I learned so much from that experience; but one thing is sure, it didn’t break me. Yes, I was devastated for a while but life is how you make it. I don’t have any choice but to bounce back… after all, this is nothing compared to all the things I went through in the past.
*****
I ended the year with the RDR 32Km run inside my playground in Camp Aguinaldo without any training. I slacked to the nth and was brought to my senses that I need to get back on my feet and start pounding the pavement again if I really want to join the BDM. The holidays were doubly special owing to the fact that after five years we spent the holidays together as a family. Jonathan and I both know that we can never go back to where we were five years ago, but we can at least be the best parents for our children. It felt good and somehow it gave us a semblance of what a family is. It was also in December when I finally decided to run the CCM…
*****
If there is one thing that I learned the past year is that patience indeed is a virtue. Those who know me could attest that I am the most impatient person there is. The deferment of my deployment strengthened my resilience. Come to think of it, maybe the reason I wasn’t deployed is that I was meant to run CCM and meet amazing people in Cebu. Then it dawned on me – I am therefore destined to run the BDM 102 in March. Don’t I just love my life?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
el capitana's attempt! 